By Tim Key 

MONDAY.*

I was feeling a little sluggish so I sacked off the day.
My boss came in.
My feet were on the desk and I was eating, to be 100% fair to
myself, kebab meat and mash.
“What are you doing, pal?” my boss enquired.
“I’ve sacked off the day.”
My boss was extremely agitated and pointed to my inbox
with his thumb.
I nodded.
“Gotta say, I think that lot’s starting to look a bit tomorrowy,
dear leader.”
He blew his cheeks out so far they went translucent.
I opened up my filing cabinet thing.
I pulled out a 250ml can of Pimm’s and lemonade.
I tried to close my laptop with my toes.

*JUNIPER: Mondays.
  KEY: What?
  JUNIPER: I know what he means.
  KEY: “He”?
  JUNIPER: The chap in the poem.

This is an extract from Chapters by Tim Key (“Utter” & Press). Buy a copy here.

Or buy a copy from Blackwell’s here.

Tim Key is appearing at the Idler Festival.

Our July/August 2024 issue is available in Waitrose, Waterstones, Smiths Travel outlets, select Smiths high street branches and around 100 indie stores. Click here for your nearest stockist.