Adam Buxton on his Great British Bake Off challenge to create a pastry alien that would stand up to the judges’ scrutiny

The other day, I was asked to appear on the celebrity version of The Great British Bake Off for the charity Stand Up to Cancer. Having never baked anything before, I paused my book-writing duties to do all I could to prepare for what was, for me, an unusually high-profile booking.

In case any of you have made it to this point in your life without becoming familiar with The Great British Bake Off, it’s a televised baking contest that takes place over three rounds.

Round one is the Signature Bake, in which each contestant chooses a recipe to impress the judges, currently celebrity chef Paul Hollywood and restaurateur Prue Leith. Round two is the Technical Challenge, which involves following a recipe.

And finally there’s the Showstopper Challenge, perhaps the most important round, in which the creativity of the bakers is put to the test.

For our Signature Bake we’d been asked to make crumpets. As a tribute to Sir Paul McCartney, a former guest on my podcast who had told me of his fondness for bagels with Marmite and hummus, I chose to make Marmite-flavoured crumpets topped with hummus made from edamame beans (I love edamame beans, and I thought it was a good bet that  Macca would, too).

This choice of recipe also gave me an excuse to over-prepare, which, as you’ll see in this book, is something I do a lot. In this case, more book-writing time was spent recording a song in the style of “Blackbird”, in which I impersonated Sir Paul singing of his fondness for crumpets:

I like crumpets
Gimme some crumpets
Stuff the doughy holes in my holey hole
Get some hummus in those holes
With Marmite, alright.
Everybody jump, it’s time for crumpets
I’m a crumpet-baking strumpet
If you don’t like crumpets
you can lump it
Hummus and Marmite are oozing from crumpet holes
As I stuff the crumpets in my gob
I like them light but chewy
Fluffy but gluey
Dense but airy
Tiny bit scary
Munching crumpets is my favourite job

For the Showstopper Challenge, we’d been asked to create a tribute to a favourite celebrity in the form of a pie. My first thought was to do something Bowie-related, but that seemed a bit obvious; I’m always going on about my relationship with David Bowie and his music, so I tried to think of other ways to interpret the brief.

Then, a week before the Bake Off recording, I was out walking with my dog friend Rosie when I was struck by one of the only flashes of inspiration I’ve ever had. There in the blue sky above a field of gently undulating Norfolk wheat, I clearly envisioned a cherry pie with a phallic, juice-spattered creature erupting from the centre, and I knew then that my Bake Off Showstopper would be a tribute to a notorious scene in one of my favourite films (Alien, that is, not American Pie).

I knew my idea would be difficult for someone with my lack of baking skills to pull off, so in the days that followed, with guidance from Christine, a family friend and baking genius, I made several attempts at constructing a pastry baby alien that resembled the bitey little dildo creature from Ridley Scott’s masterpiece. (If you’re reading this book, Christine, I’m sorry your name is in the same sentence as the phrase “bitey little dildo creature”.) Each pastry alien looked great in its uncooked form, but after a few minutes in the oven, they all fell apart. Then I hit on the idea of modelling the alien around a rigid, unripe banana stuck into an empty glass spice jar to help it stand upright in the oven.

This time, with the help of some wooden barbecue skewers, the ribbed alien sections stayed in place around the banana and baked nicely. Once the alien was drizzled with cherry juice and standing in the exploded central flaps of the pie, I marvelled at how successfully I’d been able to realise my vision. I felt sure that upon seeing the finished Alien pie, not only would Paul Hollywood want to shake my hand, as he does whenever a Bake Off contestant has impressed him, the brilliance of my creation would move him so deeply that he’d hug and kiss me too, as Noel Fielding, Prue Leith and Alison Hammond looked on and clapped, and then joined in with the hugging and kissing, though not in a way that made me feel unsafe. Once the programme was broadcast, the internet would unite in its unequivocal appreciation for me and the Alien pie; Ridley Scott would get in touch, begging to appear on the podcast and offering me a role in an underwhelming Alien franchise movie. And maybe at long last, I’d even get the call from Taskmaster.

All I had to do to turn this dream into reality in the Bake Off tent was to make the Alien pie exactly the same way I’d made it in our kitchen at home.

This is an extract from I Love You, Byeee: Rambles on DIY Tv, Rockstars, Kids and Mums (HarperCollins) by Adam Buxton. Buy a copy here.

Or buy from Blackwell’s here.

Adam Buxton is our guest on “A Drink with the Idler” this Thursday 19 June from 6-7pm.
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