Why I Hate Beards

Liz Hodgkinson is bristling about whiskers

If there is anything I hate, really hate, it’s men wearing beards. In my younger days it was rare to see a bearded man. Exceptions were made for artists such as Augustus John whose talent and singular lifestyle allowed them to operate outside polite society. Beards were also allowed or at least tolerated on religious leaders such as Indian gurus, rabbis and some sages and philosophers. Otherwise, men were clean-shaven.

Now, it’s becoming equally rare to see a man, young or old, without a beard or at least some stubble. It’s sometimes called “designer stubble”, although one wonders exactly who designed it.

Byline pictures of male columnists writing for newspapers almost always show them with a few days’ growth at least and in my Oxford suburb of Summertown just about every old man shuffling along has a scrubby grey or white beard.

In the celebrity and film star world, so many men now have beards, with George Clooney being perhaps the most famous. Jeremy Paxman once grew a white beard. He then thankfully shaved it off though I am told that he was seen sporting it once again at the Oldie magazine’s recent awards ceremony. The vast majority of male television presenters, particularly those on the more obscure channels, now sport a beard.

Beards have become so prevalent that perhaps we should emulate Peter the Great, the 17th century Russian tsar who hated them so much he imposed a beard tax and was also known to have bearded men forcibly shaved when they entered his court.

So two questions arise: why do I hate beards so much and why are so many men of all ages now growing them? To answer the first question, on an intimate level it’s not pleasant to kiss a man with a beard as they often contain residues of food, they may smell nasty and in any case are itchy on your delicate skin.

On another level, beards make all men look the same as they obliterate their faces. Good-looking men instantly lose their chiselled cheekbones and firm chins when they’re covered in hair. If you want to go from good-looking to plain or even ugly, the quickest way to achieve this is to grow a beard. Beards also hide a man’s personality and dull his facial expressions. It’s hard to tell whether somebody is sad, smiling, trustworthy or a crook when their expressions are obscured by face fuzz.

The second question, as to why so many men are growing beards, is more difficult to answer. One study concluded that many men believe the presence of a beard signifies manliness, gravitas, authority and standing in the community. Some men grow beards because they believe the presence of facial hair makes them look more intellectual and interesting. And when I asked one young man why he had a beard he told me that he felt he looked too kiddy otherwise.

There is something in that as, according to some research, beards make men look about eight years older than if they were clean-shaven, and this goes double with older men. A grey or white beard instantly adds at least 16 years to their age.

Another group of men who often grow beards are the baldies. It’s as if they have to have hair somewhere on their heads, even if it’s the wrong way round. It’s quite common to see the bushiest beards on the baldest men. But somehow, the presence of a big beard only serves to draw attention to their baldness, which might not otherwise be so noticeable.

And then when a man starts growing a beard, he doesn’t know what colour it will turn out to be. The worst kind of beards are the shaggy ginger horrors that you seem to see everywhere these days. Prince Harry: if you want to be taken seriously, please shave off that ridiculous ginger beard. So far, Harry is the only senior royal in modern times to have grown a beard, although in the past, kings had beards which were often neat little goatees requiring much topiary work to maintain.

Prince Michael of Kent now has a full white beard but he is only a minor royal not much seen in public these days. Even so, he would look much better without it.

Fashion plays a part of course, and men, as much as women, follow fashion. The latest photos of David Gandy, perhaps the most successful male model of all time, show him with a moustache and beard, as if this is the look all men should aim for.

There was once a craze for droopy moustaches, and sideburns have had their moment as well. All are equally awful and completely unnecessary. But when it comes to older men, I think it is often laziness rather than fashion that makes them grow a beard. They can no longer be bothered to shave and don’t really care what they look like any more.

I’m sure I’m not the only woman who hates beards, so I’m issuing a plea to men to let us see their faces once more and to stop hiding them behind all this hair. My hatred of beards is so intense that I have warned my two sons that I will disinherit them if they dare to grow a beard, and now that my three grandsons are of shaving age, this stricture applies to them as well.

Boys, you have been warned.

This article appears in the March/April issue of the Idler, out now.

Our March/April issue is available in bookshops as well as Waitrose, Sainsbury’s, WHSmiths, Booth’s and Easons.