Rachel Kelly finds that focussing on self-esteem only increases narcissism and unhappiness

I ENJOYED a gratifying sense of ‘I knew it was true’ when recently I came across the work of Kristen Neff, an associate professor in human development at the University of Texas.

For the last decade, Ms Neff has been busy finding evidence for her argument that we need to ditch the notion of ‘self-esteem’ as a model for calm and serenity in favour of ‘self-compassion’.

Rewind. For at least the last twenty years, the world of positive psychology and self-help has held up self-esteem as the Holy Grail of good mental health. And to an extent, advocates of the importance of self-esteem are right: for some, low levels of anxiety and depression can correlate with high self-worth.

But as Neff convincingly argues, the ‘self-esteem’ model is flawed. Increasingly, there is a new mantra among therapists and researchers, especially in the US: ‘self-compassion’ is a better route to calm and wellbeing.

The problem is that self-esteem tends to be based on needing to feel both above average, and better than others. I will not enjoy self-esteem if this blog is average: I need it to be superb to fill up the anxious striving well within me and temporarily – please note – boost my self esteem.

So my blog needs to be better than your blog. Invidious comparisons have worsened in a world of very public numerical measures, be they of Facebook likes or Twitter followers, website hits or sales – or in this case, blog hits. There’s no where to hide.

And what if the blog is spiked? Relying on self-esteem provides no psychological shelter in a storm. We are not good enough, and the only option is to remain on an anxious striving treadmill, to once again taste the joy of supposed success. It is no surprise that the self-esteem movement has also lead to a nasty rise in narcissism, witness surveys of American graduates, who are now the most narcissistic on record.

Better for our mental health, Neff argues, is to develop self-compassion, which has three main components: we must develop a kindly inner voice of encouragement, understanding, and forgiveness rather than harsh judgment; we need to acknowledge our common humanity, and how alike we are in our common imperfection; and we need to use mindfulness to accept our suffering in the present moment with compassion.

I’ve been a convert for years though only now do I have the jargon. Though I didn’t realise it at the time, my therapist was obviously a ‘self-compassion’ advocate. So too is my priest: much of Christian teaching dovetails with ‘self-compassion’: the notion of Jesus humbled on the cross enjoying high ‘self-esteem’ is dreadful.

For me one short-cut to developing self-compassion is poetry. George Herbert and Derek Walcott are both marvellous companions on the journey to developing a gentler inner voice.

Try Walcott’s ‘Love’. And good luck on the road to self-compassion.

The time will come

when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome.


And say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you


all your life, whom you ignored
for another,
who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,


the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Rachel Kelly’s latest series of her #thewordsdoctor workshops will be running at The Idler Academy in March. She is the author of Black Rainbow: how words can heal – my journey through depression, now in paperback, Hodder & Stoughton 8.99.