AS a man you have probably had occasion to use the following conversational construct: ‘If you ever catch me X, then please feel free to Y’, where X may be ‘building a model railway in my basement’, ‘starting a pipe collection’ or ‘re-enacting famous battles at the weekend’ and Y is either ‘shoot me’ or ‘seek power of attorney’.

I can only suggest you never put such a rash statement in writing. The fear of looking stupid fades dangerously with age and, without it, previously unacceptable pursuits can develop a perverse appeal. Getting older is, by and large, a process of rethinking all one’s little rules about engaging with the world in order to see if there might be a pleasurable or satisfying pastime you haven’t tried because you previously filed it under ‘Would definitely make people think I’m a dick’. This is not an old-man thing: the process begins well before retirement age. Fifty used to be the traditional threshold of unembarrassability, but these days we’re seeing much younger men adopt uncool hobbies unironically.

A ruling passion is, in spousal terms, something to be tolerated rather than encouraged, because it robs a relationship of time, interaction and money. There are, of course, many sidelines both husband and wife can engage in, but I’m going to insist that anything promoting togetherness has too much obvious benefit to be considered a hobby. One might argue that an established hobby is good for marriage because it’s mentally therapeutic, but when a man insists his 10,000-strong moist towellette collection helps to keep him sane, we are right to question his understanding of the term.

So what is a hobby? Perhaps our definition would be enhanced by a further exploration of what a hobby isn’t:

• Reading is not a hobby. Reading is something you don’t have time for any more, because of your hobby; unless you’re reading about your hobby, which doesn’t count as reading.

• Gardening is not a hobby; it’s just outdoor housekeeping. Breeding hybrid orchids is a hobby.

• Relaxing is not a hobby.

• Exercising is not a hobby.

• Going on the internet is not a hobby. Everyone is on the internet, always.

• Gambling is not a hobby. Except for poker, and then only if you don’t suck at it. Generally speaking, gambling is an addiction, while a hobby is a disorder.

• Spending time with good friends, good food and good wine is not a hobby. It’s the opposite of a hobby. You need to get a hobby.

• A hobby is not something you list in the ‘Other Interests’ section of your CV, because a true hobby is something you would never want a prospective employer to know about.

Perhaps you don’t think of yourself as the hobby sort. You may consider yourself a man of passing interests and ordinary recreations. And you may be right, but a mere pastime can, over time, become a hobby without you noticing. If you’re worried ask yourself these three questions:

1. Is your pursuit a banned topic of conversation at supper time?

2. Have you ever felt obliged to lie to your spouse about how much money you spend on it?

3. When you tell other people about it, is their first question always ‘Why?’

Extracted from How to be a Husband by Tim Dowling

‘You’ll whoosh through this book with cheery hoots of laughter… Dowling’s a very fresh and smart writer… There’s a proper laugh every couple of pages… But as well as being funny, which he has to be, Dowling is sometimes plangent… and he is more often than not wise… there’s pleasure and treasure here,’ Sam Leith, Guardian

‘There’s no denying [”How To Be A Husband”’s] enormous readability … Dowling’s frequently hilarious Bildungsroman, detailing his evolution from feckless layabout to equally feckless husband and father, offers wisdom, insight and laugh-out-loud one-liners in equal measure … Gloriously entertaining,’ Alexander Larman, Observer

‘This isn’t a self-help book … What [Dowling] has done, effectively, is invent an entirely new genre in literature: that of the self-hinder book … A rare delight,’ Spectator

Thanks to Tim for a great talk the other day at the Idler Academy. You can buy a signed copy of his book direct from us, by clicking on the bit over on the right.